Sunday, November 13, 2011

Touching the World

Sometimes I feel like two completely different people. There are times I will take the initiative and strike up conversation with friends and even strangers! I will organize hang outs with friends and venture to new clubs/events and meet new people. I enjoy these times when I'm interacting with people and being part of a community.

But unfortunately, more often, I am a cynical person who thinks the worst of people. I am quick to criticize and isolate myself from friends and family. I seclude myself into not just my dorm room but also my own scheduled life. I'd rather keep my schedule clear to go as I planned rather than interrupt it with a friend or checking out an event. I have to plan friend dates and heading to interesting events way in advance. And at first, that might seem reasonable, I mean everyone is so busy these days of course it would make sense that you need to schedule things in advance. But I've come to realize slowly that I will purposely avoid situations and even lie that I have things to do.

I like to think of myself as someone who tries new things--and I do. There is a small part of me that thrives on being challenged and being uncomfortable. I want to push beyond my comfort zone and keep breaking the limits of my own mind. But it's hard. No matter how much I tell myself that I can deal with change--the truth is that I want things to remain the same. I want to get better grades school but that translates to putting more effort into my school work. I want to meet more people but that means making time in schedule to just chill. I want to lose a lot of weight and that means I need to stay focused. I want to start a bunch of personal creative projects but that also takes time--time that I could be spent working and getting paid!

As a 21-year-old and in my third year of college, I feel like I've run into a giant brick wall of delusion breaking it as reality is finally starting to sink in my mind. I'm going to be 22 next year and in my final year of college. Graduate school is not the same as undergrad. I can't replicate this experience again. I have to seriously think about getting a job and making money to take care of myself. Pay back those scary loans. Start a career.

To say that this is overwhelming seems like a HUGE understatement.

The people I've spoken with say that I shouldn't worry too much. That as long as I am prepared and work hard, I can do it.

It's hard for me to sum up how much I've changed as a person in the last three years.

I mean, hello?! I go to the gym on a regular basis in a week. I don't stuff my face and choose healthier options. I don't mind speaking with strangers and telling them what I want. I couldn't even fathom a life like this in high school.

I'm scared because for the first time in my life, there is no clear cut path. There are several paths I can take. I don't know how the story ends. And I'm also scared that if I choose wrong then I just wasted my time.

Maybe it's okay to be both scared and confident. That I don't know what I want and yet still have a good idea of the life I'd like to lead. Nothing has to be absolutely set in stone. An inkling of an idea can be transformed and changed into something full-bodied, right?

I know I've made some big mistakes in my life but I do not regret making them. They're life lessons for me and there would have been no other way for me to learn them. Better to find out now rather than later.


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